I'm really hoping I get some feedback on this entry. Because I am at a loss and I'm not sure what to do. When we moved back here from Washington, my husband really wanted me to make an effort to make friends and create lasting relationships because he really wanted this to be our "home". Which as a kid who never really "lived" anywhere for a longer period of time - was an odd concept for me.
I spent the first 10 years of my life living in rural Northeastern Pennsylvania surrounded by my cousins and growing up with a small group of friends. Then we moved to Northern Virginia where I made another circle of friends and switched schools and such - but I had a small group of friends and it fit. Then came the life of a military wife - and I had a great group of ladies that I knew I could call on when and if I needed help - most of which I am still friends with today.
But moving back here to North Carolina - where almost everyone has lived here their entire lives - I don't know where I fit. I've reached out beyond generosity and just when I think I've made a connection with friends and I've found my "niche" - things seemed to take a bunch of steps back. I know I'm not a "low maintenance" friend or the easiest at reading people - but at what point is generosity a bad thing?
I've always been the one that steps up and helps out when someone needs it - even before they ask. I have no problem giving of myself to a fault. Even when I don't have something to give - I do my best to give anyway. I thought that's what being a good person meant. But there has to be a difference between being a "good person" and being a "doormat". I just don't know where that line is. We're at a point now where we could use some help finding a new place to live closer to Kinston and no matter how much we seem to reach out and ask for some help - next to nothing comes back from it. There will be a small flag here or there - but not one that seems genuine enough that the person (or people) follow through or help us pursue it. And if we try to pursue it - there's no help or follow up. Is it wrong of me to want that follow up or support?
Or when things are hard or I'm going through a hard time - where's the support or help that I give out? Is it wrong to want that back? Is that selfish or needy? When my friends go through hard times - I'm the one that sends flowers or brings dinner or just sends a note to say that I'm thinking of you. I send care packages and extra notes. I remember little milestones. I care and love their children like they're my own. And I'm not saying that they don't care or don't love my kids like their own - but that level of commitment just doesn't seem as genuine. But is it right of me to expect the same in return? I can't expect people to behave or act the same way that I do. But does that mean that I shouldn't keep trying? When is enough enough?
When do I stop trying? I really just don't know anymore. But I do know that I've hit a point where I don't know that I have anymore to give. :( And I do know that that isn't ok.
Honey, the care and generosity you show is such a beautiful thing about you... My fear for you is that the people who are fortunate enough to be on the recieving end of it, don't always deserve it... I saw people back at McChord show you no respect even after going out of your way and even though it's who you are, I felt frustrated that you'd be so good to those that didn't seem to deserve it. I have to remember that this is just your way and it's in your heart. But at the end of the day, there will always be people like this and they won't change no matter how much they "should". Unfortunately you have to make peace with the fact that you may not get back, the same that you give.. Which is a sad truth. I think you shouldn't stop being who you ate but maybe drawing a line for yourself that 'this is how far I'm willing to go for others' and then move on.
ReplyDeleteNow as I say all of this I think about how much I have not shown you the same level of thoughtfulness that you've shown me. Simple things like buying me a coffee the first time we were meeting even though I was a complete stranger, flowers and a necklace on a couple of occasions after my molar pregnancy to remind me that you understood that pain and also packages you send me now... You were the only person to give me a "1st Mothers Day" card. After all this time apart and my not being as present as i need to be and you deserve, you are still so deeply thoughtful. Your amazing and which i appreciate you immensely, I know I don't give back near what I get from our friendship. As I think back on all of this I feel like I must not deserve the extra love I receive from you but the least I can promise is that you are a person who deserves to at least be appreciated and validated for the extra mile you go and to be reminded that you are loved. I'll thank you on behalf of myself and for those that seem to not realize the prize they have in your friendship.