For Matthew....

I've been missing you for so long now. Somedays it feels like just yesterday when I would feel you kick and tickle me under my heart. I can remember how scared I was when i knew you were coming into the world, so unexpected and unplanned. I remember seeing the plus sign and feeling my heart leap into my throat. I can remember the overwhelming panic and calm that came all at once. I knew that everything would be alright. I knew that you were going to change things for the better, not make things harder or scarier. I knew you were meant to be. Through all the morning sickness and headaches I knew it was worth it. I knew you would be worth it. Regardless of what the father said or thought, I knew nothing would change how I felt about you. You were my life. I knew I would do whatever I had to do to protect you and bring you into the world. Nothing could or would change the love I had for you. When things started to progress and you weren't my secret anymore I started making plans for our life together. While I hid your prescence from some, I shouted from the rooftops to others. Your "father" still protested but he could not and would not change my mind. I saw the doctors and made sure you were growing healthy and strong. When I found out you were a boy I was so thrilled. You were healthy, you were growing and you had the cutest mouth and nose. I still have those pictures and treasure them. I remember seeing your little belly and thinking "so that's where all the triscuits are going!". Your heart beated strong and steady. 123 beats per minute on average. By the time I was 6 months along I had bought the basics and shared your prescence with close friends and we were all excited for your arrival. You would kick and nudge from inside me and you were able to actually tickle my heart, or atleast that's what it felt like. I stewed and stressed over what name you would have. Your father didn't want to acknowledge you so I decided you would share my name. Matthew Copeland Smith. Generic of course, but it felt right. You felt like a Matthew. You were a Matthew in my heart. I didn't know what I was walking into that night. I thought I was opening the door for you to have your father around. I wasn't right. I was so wrong. And that choice cost me you. Aunt Natty drove like a maniac that night to get to the hospital to be with me. There was nothing that could be done to stop your arrival. You were so tiny, so little, but so strong.Aunt Natty held my hand while you came into the world. She cried with me. She cut your cord. She was with me when they handed you to me. They told me you wouldn't be with me long. They were right and wrong at the same time. You held my finger with your tiny hand as you fought to breathe. You stayed with me for 3 minutes and 58 seconds. I truly believed I saw an angel that day and I did. I held you for awhile longer and then they took you from me to make me little foot prints and hand prints. They let me keep your tiny hat and blanket. I have a tiny little bow w/ your hair tied in it. Dark brown. You were so little. 2lbs, 3oz and 12 inches long. Your light, light blue eyes. That night I decided to stay with Aunt Natty at her place. I didn't want to go home and I didn't want to be alone. The hospital said I could stay there, but I couldn't be near all those other mothers who were crying tears of joy instead of the tears I had. 2 days later I had your birth certificate in one hand, your death certificate in the other. We had a small service for you and buried you next to your Great Grandfather under the willow tree. I know that there is a reason for everything and that you look out for your little sisters from heaven. The man I call your Daddy loves you even though he didn't get to know you. After I married him I had your birth and death certificates changed to have his name, as he loves you as I do. Matthew Copeland Burton. Your presence is in every breath I take and every beat of my heart. You are sacred to me. Most of your family still doesn't know that you ever existed and I think it's best that way. There is so much pain and heartache in the world and while yes, you are an angel for them as well, I think they will know of you at some point. You'll be in heaven to meet them when it's their time. I believe you touched your sisters before they came to live with us here on earth. I believe you are their own guardian angel. But Matthew, I miss you so much. I miss everything I wanted to do for you. Birthdays and holidays. Vacations and dinners. I miss seeing you play baseball or football. I miss seeing you graduate from kindergarten to 1st grade. I miss seeing the expressions on your face when your sisters were born. I miss fighting with you over transformers or legos. I miss seeing the look on your daddy's face when you and he would have wrestled on the floor or compare who burped louder. I miss all the joy you would have experienced. And selfishly, I miss being your mom. I miss sharing life with you. I miss who I believe you would have been. When I heard this song for the first time, I had to pull over to the side of the road and just cried. I miss you so much matthew.

Address In the Stars - by Caitlyn and Will

Verse 1:
I stumbled across your picture today
I could barely breath
The moment stopped me cold,
Grabbed me like a thief.
I dialed your number, but you wouldn't be there
I knew the whole time, but it's still not fair
I just wanted to hear your voice,
I just needed to hear your voice.

Chorus:
What do I do with all I need to say
So much I wanna tell you everyday
Oh it breaks my heart,
I cry these tears in the dark
I write these letters to you,
But they get lost in the blue,
'Cause there's no address in the stars.

Verse 2:
Now I'm drivin'
Through the pitch black dark
I'm screaming at the sky
Oh cause it hurts so bad
Everybody tells me
Oh all I need is time
Then the mornin' rolls in
And it hits me again
And that aint nothin' but a lie.

Chorus:
What do I do with all I need to say
So much I wanna tell you everday
Oh it breaks my heart,
I cry these tears in the dark
I write these letters to you,
But they get lost in the blue,
'Cause there's no address in the stars.

Verse 3:
Without you here with me,
I don't know what to do.
I'd give anything
Just to talk to you
Oh it breaks my heart,
Oh it breaks my heart,
But all I can do
Is write these letters to you,
But there's no address in the stars.