I'm sitting here looking back on this past year. I'm still very unsure of where our future is taking us, but what I do know is that wherever it is, I can say that I do have the strength to get through it all. For some reason, tonight I'm feeling beyond optimistic with a hint of sadness.
I talked to a great friend online tonight who is FINALLY coming back to the states and she is so terrifiedly excited. And I am so happy and giddy for her. I can't wait for her to come back to the states. Atleast then I won't need a passport to even consider visiting her. She and her family have been through the mill in Japan and (sorry girl, cause I know you read this) she truly is a remarkable girl, correction - Woman. I won't use names because it's not my place to put her in that position, but I am very, VERY honored to call her my friend. This woman (just in this past year) has become pregnant with her much wanted child, endured her first and remarkably long deployment overseas with NO family support, had 2 (yes 2) children have to have surgery for a VERY dangerous infection and then, to top it all off, deliver her child while her husband was still overseas. And during ALL of that, she was going to school fulltime and taking care of her 3 other children. I wish I had her strength and self discipline. She has told me many times (cause she's one of the few people that can get away with it) that it's much easier to discipline others than yourself. And she's right. This woman has seen me through more in the past few years than most friendships do in a life time. The strange thing is, she's on the opposite side of the world. We don't have to be in the same country, time zone or state to understand each other. And while yes, I know I am not her "best" friend, we are very close friends and 99% of the time, can understand each other before we even have to explain anything.
She is one of the many people in my life that gives me strength and vision. Anyone who is married knows that while your spouse can get away with alot of things, it takes an entirely separate individual to tell you how things really are. Most of the time it's someone outside of your family and outside of your "bubble". This woman is outside of all of those things. She is inside my head, but outside of it enough to get it. That thing that sometimes can't and doesn't have a word, she knows what that is. Some of my other friends have said that their "best friend" is their soul mate. This woman goes beyond and above that. "Soul mates" are people that fill your "empty" space. I'm thankfully blessed enough to not have "empty space" that needs to be filled by someone else. This woman, funny enough has the same "spaces" that I do. She can smack the shit out of me through an IM or email and not piss me off. She just "gets it". I know this probably reads like a "romance" or "affair" but it's not intended that way. It's intended as a blessing. Knowing her, she's probably reading this and laughing saying "This sounds like a eulogy".
Having people in my life like her, has taught me that I can endure things. I have had to endure alot in my life, but I am more aware of them now. I have more responsibilities now. We have endured alot in our married life, Cory and I. We have gone through alot and made our way through it. We have come out stronger for it in the end of it all. For some reason, the challenges that we are heading into now are scaring me, ALOT. Probably because I know what our children require, and they can ask why they don't have them now. I know that we will eventually have those things again (if Cory does what we've agreed to) and be able to provide those things again. But it's all that "unsettledness" that is bothering me so much. Knowing how much the "unsettledness" will be detrimental to the girls, that's probably why. Not knowing where we are going to land is even more stressful. Knowing all of these things, and knowing how much of it is NOT in my control is a new thing for me. Realizing that I am not in control of any of it is a learned trait. Maybe the military life has taught me something? (Hmm...) I had and have no control over what the military does or doesn't do with my husband. I have no control of how quickly this separation process takes. I have no control over what the paperwork does or doesn't say. Strangely enough - I'm ok with that.
What I do have control over is how i handle and manage it. Thankfully, I have medication to help with some of it, but I have decided that I am going to exercise more. I have started talking to a friend of mine from high school who is working on becoming a US and Olympic Certified Running Coach. He is helping me to come up with a better exercise and diet regiment. I have set myself the goal of running in a marathon by 2012. I have also set myself the goal of loosing another 180lbs by 2012. I think it is possible. Once our refund has kicked in, I plan on joining Weight Watchers to be more accountable to myself and to hopefully earn little prizes. :) (Yes, I love prizes).
I've decided that I don't "need" friends. I had been approaching my exercise and my lifestyle as though I needed friends to participate with. I "needed" friends to support me and for me to support. I have realized that I don't. If I choose to work out, I choose to do it by myself. I don't need to make my friends choose the same things I do. I am choosing to go to Weight Watcher meetings, I am choosing to exercise and change my life. I am choosing these things for myself. The diet and food portion of my life will change too, I am just unsure as to how yet. I know it needs to, and hopefully I will change it.
Getting back to that friend of mine, she has done these same types of changes and stuck with them. She has that self discipline that I lack. I am going to figure out how to build that self discipline and change my life. I will be a brand new girl. :)
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