Real or Fake?

Limitations are now in force around our home and our lives. I am not going to sit around anymore and be a "friend" to anyone who says hello. I'm not going to allow individuals into my life that I do not trust. Yes, this note will more than likely end up on Facebook at some point or another. 

According to others I have been "bitchy" and "moody" and "angry".  I have a right to be. I could care less who thinks what about me, but to lash out on my closest friends, my husband and my children. To PUBLICLY discuss my life and my business shows me that the people I thought I was friends with, that I thought I could trust, are not. 

So I'm coming clean folks. If you can read this, that means I trust you. That means that I trust you enough to not go and discuss this post with anyone other than your spouse or me. I am not going to blindly trust anymore as my trust has been violated with countless individuals.  I have 3 friends, that's just it, 3 friends that I know I can trust unconditionally. The most they will talk about me behind my back is with this spouses or with me, that's it.

They know who they are because they are the only people that have ever bothered to spend time with me and my children. They have allowed me into their lives to see and understand who they really are. They have allowed me to be a bitch when I need to be and they are still there, no matter what. Regardless of how much or how little our lives are at the same stages, they are still there, without question.

I had people emailing me calling me every name in the book because they thought I was "bitter" and "angry" with them because of a note that I posted on Facebook. Instead of asking me what it was really about they decided to publicly and privately bash me with other individuals. They talked about me with individuals who they know i am not close with. They spread my private business with anyone who would listen. That is not a friend, that is a self serving, self centered individual.

Some used my words to better their own standing with their friends. Some used private information to slap me in the face with my own past. I don't know why or who they thought it would benefit, but it certainly wasn't with the best of intentions.  I have been called a liar, a two faced bitch, a mental patient, a psycho and a self serving, child abusing bitch.  I won't pretend that those words don't hurt or that they didn't upset me because of course they have. Having those things said to someone like me, doesn't just hurt me, it hurts my family.

I have 3 children who I can't feel anything around. If I feel upset, they are upset. If I feel stressed, they feel stressed. They are sponges that pick up on the slightless change in my demeanor. There aren't many parents around that can understand what that means. What pressure that is.
Those that can, that I talk to, are further away. But thankfully they are available to vent and stress with over the internet. Thank goodness for that.

I have a husband who leans on me to keep things functioning around our home. If I go down, from illness, exhaustion, emotional exhaustion, migraines, anything - our home ceases to function. If the schedule is thrown off, our entire home goes into chaos. Yes, it does the bare minimum to survive, but the actual home, the calmness is gone. I know this sounds like I am an arrogant bitch, but it's the truth. My husband will agree. He is an exceptional father that does anything and everything he can to make things work, but he has other focuses in his life. That's what we agreed on when we had our children.  It is my life, my job to raise our children and keep our home functioning. It is his job to work and bring home a paycheck. The icing on the cake for him is to be able to come home and see his daughters smile and be excited to see him. That's just how our home works.

I have, through my own choices, brought drama and stress into our home by involving people in our lives that weren't in our best interest. They have done nothing but draw me into a false sense of friendship and comraderie. I have to now, decide what to do about that. I have the mixed feelings about taking those folks out of my life. I know that I have to have a life outside of my children, my marriage and my job.  I know that there has to be more to my life than fulfilling those roles.  There is more to me than Mommy and Wifey. There is an individual inside that deserves to have time for herself. If I cut people out of my life that remind me of those things, I don't know what I can do to keep that person alive.

However, those people may not all be the best people to have in my life.  I need friends that will remember that I need a girls night out, I need to be "kidnapped" occasionally for girls nights out and coffee dates at the dog park.  I need those individuals in my life. But who are those individuals? How do I weed those individuals out of the bunch and not have it turn into more drama? How do I spare my drama from my own life without dragging it into the lives of the people I do care about?

How do I know who is worth letting or keeping in my life? I know without question that there are some individuals that are here, there without question. Most of them live and work far away. But close by, sometimes I really don't know. I don't know how to figure out who is real and who is fake. Those that are real can sometimes be hurt by my presence for various reasons. Others are so busy that they barely have time for their own mental health than anyone elses.

So how do I figure out this balance? Where did I really go?