The real me.....

I have been overwhelmingly moody the past few days, maybe weeks, i'm not sure. For alot of various reasons, none of which I had a real excuse for, i just can't seem to get a handle on my own head. I wish I could say that i have been sticking my true workout schedule that I had set for myself. I wish I could say that I wasn't relying on my meds to help me cope with my stress, but I have been. I do workout, occasionally. I am eating better and trying to take better care of myself. But my heart, my head, they're not ok. I can't figure out why. My head just doesn't seem to get the jist of life. It's a few steps behind, not enjoying the little things that I should be. All I know is my heart aches. It's crying even when my eyes aren't. I can't get past the heartaching grip that's on it.


It hurts all the time. I can put on the happy, laughing facade that I need to in order to get through the days. Don't misunderstand me, I do love my life and love those that are in it. I enjoy being with my girls and putting them to bed at night, reading stories and getting them ready for school. I enjoy the blessing of being able to see them after school everyday when they're excited to share with me the happenings of their day. Hearing them say "That's my Mommy!" and "I see my mama" and the smiles when they get awards or finally get the math problem right. I do enjoy all of those wonderful things. I don't take them forgranted in the least. Making a great dinner, having a clean and tidy home, I do take pride in those things and the efforts I put into them.


But, under all of it, it still aches. I feel like those stupid depression commercials that push different kinds of drugs to make you "come back to life".  I already take anti-depressant and things that are supposed to help, and they used to. I am starting to think that it's the stress and the whole lack of answers and time lines are starting to really affect me. I've been "willing myself through it all" and saying to myself and friends that "this will all work itself out" and that we're ready for whatever happens, but I really don't know anymore.  I have seen what can happen when folks "let the authorities handle it" or "wait for answers" and they can end up getting blindsided and thrown out of their homes with nothing more than an escort to the main gate and their ID's revoked.


My brother in law has been here in the Pacific Northwest for awhile now and he's been visiting with us on and off. He has brought nothing but laughter and smiles into our home. Our girls are so excited to see him everyday and laughing with him while he is tickling them or making funny jokes. They love him so much. We all do.  He has turned his life around so much in the past few years that we are truly proud of him. I am honored to share a last name with him. There are so many things I should be so happy about, but I just can't seem to get there.


I take my medication as prescribed, I get up and function everyday, but almost as if I am on autopilot. I don't know why though. I can't seem to get to the root of the ache. Maybe it is just something as simple as stress and letting things catch up and bubble to the surface. Maybe it is needing to adjust medications or letting myself feel crappy for awhile. I don't know, I truly don't know why I am so unbelievably sad. I know some reasons that are always in my heart that sometimes are on the edges of my sadness. I miss my son and the things he would be bringing into our family. I miss my daughter and the beauty that she would share with the world. I miss my family, the family that I should have had growing up and sharing in all the beautiful things that are in my life now. I miss the man I called my daddy. I miss his laughter and the conversations we would share if he could see where his sons and daughters are now. I miss the look of pride that I know he would have. I miss seeing what a long term marriage looked like. The looks between my mother and father in law had across the table during Sunday dinners and the smiles they shared when their first granddaughter was borne.


I miss the family that I was blessed to be a part of when I married my husband. After my father in law died, so many things changed. We all drifted further and further apart. My brother in law changed into someone that he was not proud to be, but did manage to drag himself out of that darkness. My eldest sister has drifted back and forth from the person that we all see and love. She has somewhat turned into the rock of gibralter for our family. Atleast the younger half of our family. She always seems to be consistent and steady. I know she has struggled to find herself after her daddy, her hero died. But she has come out of it with a strength that I hope my daughters are able to acquire throughout their lives. My youngest sister in law, who I still see a little girl is growing up to become a woman with a true and lasting sense of herself. While many of her friends are making choices to drift into the awkwardness of teenage years, she seems to slide through that like water through a colander. She is brilliantly smart, stunningly beautiful inside and out and a goal in her heart to lead a life that she can truly be proud of.  She has had many losses in her life. She has buried friends and a parent. But yet, at the tender age that she is, she is focused on her education and goals. I am in awe of her tremendous heart and strength.


I wanted to get to a point in my life that I could look around me and see my cousins and I growing closer together. Putting the past that broke us all apart behind us and moving foward as adults that didn't rely on our parents to define our relationship.  Last night, while talking to my husband and brother, I realized just how little family I have that I am genetically tied to.  I truly have no genetic family in my life other than my mother. I don't have siblings or cousins that I know I could knock on my door and be welcomed inside. I don't know how to be a part of a large, loving and warm family. I don't know what unconditional love is from a family. My marriage, my children, that's one thing. I know unconditional love from them. That love grew from a choice my husband and I made to grow old together and welcome children into our lives. The love I have for my daughters is unquestionable. I don't know what that is from other people though. I don't know what unquestionable, unconditional love is from family.


Love from family, extended family. That has always been conditional in my life. My Aunts, Uncles, Cousins has always been based on my meeting their conditions and standards. If I didn't fit into that mold that they set, I was not welcome. I chose to live a life that is free from drugs, excessive alcohol, partying and multiple partners on the journey. I chose to speak up about things that were happening to and around me. When I made that choice, it was the final straw. I was no longer a family member. My aunts, uncles, grandparent, cousins all walked away and said I was not welcome in the family anymore. I had to agree and believe the lives they were living was the life I was going to live, and I didn't want to live that life.  In my genetic family, none of the "grandchildren" or "cousins", family members that are my age, have gone to or graduated college. Most of them have been arrested atleast once and are addicted to some illegal substance. Most of "us" have been married or "committed" to atleast 2 individuals and have had children with even more. I can remember the first time I went against the "grain" of the family. We were having a family cookout on the 4th of July. I think I was maybe 9 or 10. One of my uncles came up to me with one of the usual drink concoctions that had been mixed in an old milk jug. He handed it to me and said - "here have some".  Most of my cousins who were older and younger were walking around with cups full of that concoction. I said no. He looked at me and did the usual "peer pressure commercial lines" and I continued to say no. He walked away and went to talk to some of the other adults. My mom came over to me and said I needed to go home. She stayed there and had a fun night with her family.


A few weeks later we moved to Virginia where some other family lived, but we were soon back in Pennsylvania. We left PA to get away from the drugs, alcohol and other things that weren't safe. We left Virginia because it was even worse there and went back to PA in hopes of finding some happy medium. That never happened. We ended up moving back down to VA and living a life away and separate of the rest of the family. The rest of my life was spent moving around VA and trying to find some sense of who I was without anyone else around me to show me where I came from. It wasn't long before I started living and loving with anyone around me who showed me the opportunity of a family. That led to me having Matthew and that whole experience.


Thankfully, after awhile I was able to find a man that loved me for me and we started a life of our own. But even then, I didn't know how to be a member of a real "family". It wasn't bad when my father in law was alive, I think because he saw my history in my eyes and knew that it was going to take awhile for me to find a place in his world. I didn't know how to have a father, siblings, aunts and uncles. I'm not sure that I will ever really know how to fit into the family that I married into. I don't know how to be "me" in a family that doesn't have requirements. The person I consider "me" to be was defined by people walking away from me, not welcoming me. I don't know how to trust that they will love me for me or even understand who "me" is.


I married into a family that hasn't had many divorces if any really. A family that talks to each other and has reunions that don't involve alcohol or fist fights. The family I have married into actually loves each other and supports each other. They have some expectations, but the kind that are normal, not violations. Their only real expectation is that you live a life that isn't shameful or illegal. And if you do, you find your way back out of the negativity and into the life that has Sunday dinners, works hard, pays your bills and supports your family. I don't know that life. I don't know how to live that life without all the drama and illegal mannerisms.  The family I married into is one that celebrates together, mourns and cries together, lives together in a life that isn't embarrassing or featured in the local paper under the crime reports.


I don't know how to live that life. Not with the extended family atleast. My husband, our daughters, that is the only family I know how to live in. To live in an environment with the rest of the family around, terrifies me. All that family, while I know in my head are supposedly warm, loving and welcoming, could hold the same darkness that my own "genetic" family had. They could want to hold me down, hold me back, trap into a life that I don't want to have to escape from again. I had to escape from family before for my own safety and health. How do I know that the rest of the family I have married into isn't going to do that? I have taken so many chances in my life. Chances that lead me to heartbreaks, injuries and losses. Chances that I really don't know that I can take again. Not with my daughters. Not with their already vulnerable spirits.


I wanted to grow up and marry a man that could, would and always did protect me. I wanted to grow up and have a large family, find a church to attend on Sundays that we would be a respected family in, have the Sunday dinners, celebrate the holidays with and be the place our children had their roots. That's what I wanted to have. I know it seems like a "7th Heaven" kind of scenario, but that's what I thought families were supposed to be. Those are the only families I knew. I know life isn't like "7th Heaven". There is no way that a minister can raise 7+ children with a stay at home mom, living in a beautiful home like that and not have any debts. I know that's not possible. I know that life isn't like any TV show. But the life that I grew up with was alot like the more "Law and Order SVU" than anything else. I refuse to expose my children to a life or to risks that could lead them to live with the fears that I have.


Maybe the sadness and heartache I have now is because we could be heading back towards a family that I don't know, with people I don't know how to trust. I don't know what their expectations are of me. The one man in the entire family that I know did love me for who I was and where I came from, died. Maybe if he was still around he could know what to say to me to help me ease my heart and mind. Maybe he would be able to learn how to trust my children with the people that I don't know and don't trust. Maybe he could make alot of this ache and fear go away. I want to trust them, I want to believe that they will love me and my daughters not just because they are my husband's children but because they are my children too. I want to believe that their unconditional acceptance isn't contingent upon my meeting their standards or expectations. I want to believe that I can be a part of their family even if they do know my darker secrets.


How do I get past my own aches and fears to allow these people into my life and my daughters lives?