Squirming

Life doesn't always give us what we want when we want it.  God seems to have this plan for every living being on this earth and I don't think He takes joy in watching us all squirm and wonder where we're going.  I readily admit, I squirm alot.  I do NOT like not knowing where I'm going or what is expected of me.  I do NOT like being out of control or feeling as though I have no say in the matter of my own life or the lives of my children.  I like to be able to steer my own path and know that up ahead of me are certain things that I have to accomplish.  Lately though, God has been leading me down an entirely unknown, pitch black, not marked path.  I think we can all assume that I'm squirming - a lot! 

Things in my marriage and in my life are not anywhere remotely close to where I thought they would be at this point.  My hubby and I are both having a hard time focusing on our marriage and relationship and so, our marriage is struggling.  I readily admit that I am not the most patient or forgiving spouse. He and I both admit that there are alot of areas that we need to be working on in our marriage, but neither of us seem to be able to take the time for that. There are so many things that "have to get done" and things that "have to be finished" that we don't have the energy to sit down and work on our relationship.  We grew up so differently that it's hard for me to see his side of things and for him to see mine.  I don't understand alot of where he comes from with things because I never saw anything remotely close to it.  He grew up with happily married parents and siblings and a family that enjoyed the holidays together.  I grew up with a divorced single mother, no siblings and holidays were not at all enjoyable.  They usually ended up with alcoholic adults passed out around the room and us kids watching Looney Tunes in the living room.

I grew up knowing that I wanted to have a successful marriage, family and have a home filled with laughter and an extended family that I loved.  Well, I have 3 out of the 4.  I do have a (so far) successful marriage.  Cory and I have been married for almost 9 years now. There is no question for either of us that we are madly in love with each other and that we want to spend the rest of our lives together.  It's the relationship part that we have to work on.  We have a hard time talking to each other and actually discussing problems.  It usually ends up with me doing all the talking and him not saying anything more than "uh - huh" or "I understand" and my favorite "I can't argue with that, you're right."  And while those might seem like desirable things in a marriage, it gets old.  I want to actually discuss things.  Work through things.  He's happy just following my lead.

But that's where the problem usually is.  I'm TIRED!  I have been steering and leading our family for 9 friggin years!  I want to be in the passenger seat for awhile and enjoy the scenary.  I want to trust that he is going to steer our family down the right paths and make the right choices for our family.  And I know his intention is always the best, but his execution is usually floundering. It's hard to feel like I can't trust my own husbands judgement and follow through.  It's weird, I almost think of him in parts.  There's the father part that he is wonderful with.  He loves the girls so much and would do anything for them.  Then there's the brother part that is like trying to watch a Spanish movie without subtitles.  He laughs and jokes around with his youngest sister.  He coddles his older sister.  His brother - well, I'm not going there.  Then there's the friend part and that's one of the parts I love about him the most.  He is fiercly loyal to his friends.  There isn't anything that he won't do for the people he cares about.  There's the extended family version of him too, and that's just like the extended version of a movie - it's all good.  Then I get to the husband/partner side of him that is a coin toss.  There is no doubt in my mind how much my husband loves me.  He has taken care of me when I have been at my lowest points.  He supported me through things that I didn't know I'd make it through.  There is no question about his committment to our marriage.  In the same thought though, he's never really defended me or stood up for me when he should have.  I don't feel safe most of the time. Lately, I haven't really even felt loved.  We're more like great friends and roommates right now.  It hurts. 

I know we are going through an exceptionally stressful time right now.  We have no income. We're waiting on benefits to show up from the state and his unemployment stuff to get straightened out. We're still waiting for our move to be paid for by the military.  Things are really pretty rough right now.  We don't know what's going to come next.  Cory's applying for Seminary and if that all works out, we'll probably have to move closer to the school.  Then comes all the things that go along with moving and having kids.  I don't know what's going to happen.  I love living in the house we're in right now.  The girls are happy and settled in their room, they love having Kate and the chickens.  I love them being able to play outside and not have to worry too much.  I love knowing that he grew up in this house.  There are so many good memories and times that have happened in this house.  I won't lie - not having to pay rent or anything is great, but that part we're working on.  We want to contribute to this house and it's a HUGE bone of contention right now.  I love not being "connected" to my neighbors and feeling like I can't walk outside without having to worry about what someone will see or say or think.  But, I do miss being in my own home. I miss being able to do what I want to do when I want to do it.  I miss being able to decorate and cook and clean the way I want to.  I miss that freedom. 

In all of this though, it comes down to what's important.  The girls have always been our number one priority.  They always will be.  I'm waiting to hear back from the school district about getting them enrolled and getting things set up for the coming school year.  I'm waiting for our health insurance stuff to get straightened out so that I know they are covered when we need them to be.  I've already got them enrolled at Riley's old pediatricians office w/ the same doctor that treated her when she was a baby.  I'm just waiting for the insurance cards to show up so I can get them seen and evaluated by Dr. Bradshaw and her awesome staff.  I want to get them onto a good schedule and be able to cook and feed them the way that they're used to and I'm used to.  I want to have that stability for them and for me.  I think we all need that right now.  I know I sure do.

There have been some great things that come out of all of this.  Cory has been able to see family he hasn't seen in almost 7 years.  We've been able to spend time together as a family which is something we haven't been able to focus on doing in a long time.  We realized that we can survive a cross country trip w/ 3 kids, a german shepherd and a lot of prayers and help along the way.  I realized just how much I miss my friends in Washington and the connections, support and safety we had there.  I miss that sense of security for the girls and for our family.  I think we have also learned that we can figure out how to do things without the things we are used to.  I'm used to having an oven to cook in, burners to cook on and a functioning kitchen.  I also realized just how expensive laundrymats are.  

I have also realized that people I love and trust are people I didn't think I would grow as close to as I have.  My wonderful friend Angel is in Washington and she is someone that I am above and beyond blessed to have in my life.  She and her hubby found out that they are FINALLY going to be able to have their baby and enjoy all the pregnancy stuff that goes along with it. I am pretty sure that I am WAY too excited for this baby to join the world and that it probably will become an obsession of mine to follow her pregnancy and shop like a maniac.  I am already thinking of names and baby shower gifts and nursery themes and scoping out flight information to go visit her after the baby is born.  Yeah, I'm way too excited!  Angel knows how much I love her and Ryan and that my stalkerish like love for her and the baby is all well intentioned.  Angel is the closest person in my life and in my heart, she's my sister.  I want this so badly for her.  To have that love for a child, that connection and that immortally powerful love that comes when you see your child; that is something I am so anxious for her to have.  She has wanted it for so long, and gone through so much to have that baby with Ryan.  She is truly a deserving mother. :)

I think knowing that Angel and Ryan are setting out on this adventure together and share a bond that is very true is almost the light at the end of my tunnel.  I'm sure that sounds really selfish and in some ways it is.  Their blessing is this sign almost, that there is a purpose for going through everything that we are going through.  There is a reason that everything is happening the way it is and that all of the fear that goes along with this unique time in our lives, will eventually be worth it.  I know her morning sickness, back aches, mood swings, exhaustion, fear, anxiety - it will all be worth it.  And I'm sure that all the things that I'm going through right now will be worth it too.  There is goodness in this world and hopefully my marriage, my family, my friends and my inner self (so to speak) will come through all of this with as much reward as that precious baby will be for Angel and Ryan.