Why is everything so damn hard? I know the old cliche about "everything worth having is hard" and that "anything worth having doesn't come easily". But I really don't understand why it has to be that way.
I readily admit that I am not an easy person to deal with or talk to. I get defensive when I shouldn't and I never forget when someone hurts me or my family. I don't forgive things when I should and I hold grudges like they were a million dollars. But atleast I'm upfront about it and I own that. Most people that know me know that when I love something, I will fight to the death for it. And that if anyone ever even attempts to infringe of the rights of others and their right to live the way they choose to, I fight that too.
I don't know why I seem to create so many enemies and do so much damage just by being myself. I have admitted more times than I can count that I do not know how to function in a family. I don't know how to be someones sister or cousin or anything. Those relationships are foreign to me. But again, I own that. I readily admit my shortcomings and attempt to work around them in order to find a better solution. But how far can one person go to make a relationship work? I feel sick 90% of the time now. I feel like I have turned myself inside out to make all of this work. I don't talk to anyone, I don't initiate conversations, I stay out of sight so that I'm not in anyones way, what else can I do?
Yesterday was a bad day. I'm not getting into any details or even mentioning what happened, but it was bad. My husband asked me to talk. I attempted to talk. Things went well for a bit, and then shut down. Now, nothing is being said, nothing is being done and everyone is acting like nothing happened. I guess nothing did happen since I'm not around. I don't go near anyone or any place that is awkward or even could develop into awkward. I truly feel like everything (with the exception of my kids and my marriage) would be better if I weren't around. Maybe then people wouldn't feel the way they do and get so upset.
I'm trying so hard to make the best of all of this for everyone else. My kids matter more to me than anything so I will continue to do everything I can to make things ok. I deleted my facebook account, I have cut myself off from everyone that shares the same area code in order to just be "nonexistant". Atleast that way people can't use my own words, thoughts and feelings against me. I can't talk to my friends out of state as much since the best way I was able to talk to them was on Facebook. But apparently my facebook was an issue, so it's gone. How much more can I be expected to do? When people can't even make the time to talk things through face to face, how are things supposed to get resolved and fixed?
I guess this is really turning into a "me against them" kind of thing. The only thing anyone agrees on is how loved the kids are. I have asked my husband so many times what I need to change in order to make things easier for everyone, and he said talk. I've been trying to talk and I get no response. I've been told that people don't know me. So, how are people supposed to get to know one another if they don't talk or spend anytime together? I just don't know what to do. My presence bothers people, so I have shut myself off from everyone except my husband and kids. But even then, things aren't the same between me and Cory. I'm praying so hard and so much to God to show me what to do. I pray for guidance and patience and wisdom to know how to handle all of this. Maybe I'm just not hearing what He wants me to do.
I am so lost.
You are a strong woman! I agree with your husband when he says the change that is needed is for you to talk. You should be who you are and people should accept you, or at least respect you for that. I know that it's hard and it's more pressure because it's your husband's family that makes you feel you have to shut yourself in. They will never accept or respect you if you don't talk and let them know who you really are. If we liked you here at McChord when you were just who you were, then I'm confident that you will be accepted and respected no matter where you are, or who you want those things from. All I have seen is that your in-laws push you and push you and you take it because you don't want to make waves for your husband. I say push back dammit! Let your husband know that if you make the change to talk, then he needs to make sure that he lets everyone know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that wrong or right, he supports you and that if they have a problem with you, they have a problem with him. If he can agree to that, then you should try the change and brace yourself for what comes next. It's worth a shot at least, and it takes time to actually make the changes stick, so you gotta give it a few tries to see if there's the slightest indication that it can work like that. You are strong enough, I think you could handle this. And remember, whatever God's will brings you to, God's grace will get you through. I believe in you!
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