I have been trying to figure out what exactly makes a family. If it's genetics, than to be honest, I'm screwed. My genetics gave me very, VERY few good things. I have my mother's eyes, my father's height and eyebrows and a horrible metabolism rate. My genetics say that I am likely to have high blood pressure, various cancers, mental illness and drug and alcohol abuse problems. If my genetics had anything to do with my marriage, i'd be divorced atleast twice by now and have multiple children by different men.
I have chosen to accept my genetic family for just that - genetics. The genetics of me have given me a few good things. I don't mind being tall and having caterpillars for eyebrows. I love my eyes, they're hazel and can change depending on what I'm wearing. They make an awesome fashion accessory. But, with the good comes the bad. I have alot of weight issues, mental health issues and a likelihood of having drug or alcohol abuse problems. Some of those things I have been able to control. I rarely drink and I am proud to say that I have never in my life touched an illegal substance. I have a successful marriage and I am madly in love with my husband. I believe that my marriage will last for decades, not just years. I'm a firm believer in "until death do us part".
Then comes my "in lawed" family. Having grown up with no positive marital role models, I have no idea what being "in lawed" means. I do not know how to be "in lawed". For the initial part of my marriage, it was 60% good, 40% bad. I know that i am not what my husbands family wanted for him. But, over time, I know atleast a few of my "inlawed" family realized that I was what he wanted. I make him happy and our love isn't something that needed to be questioned or debated about. When we had our children, being "inlawed" took on a whole new perspective. Now, I wasn't just a "inlaw" I was the mother of their "genetic family" too. Almost 9 years later, and I'm still not "accepted" by my "inlawed" family, but I have accepted them. I choose to be a member of their family. I choose to call them my family. I have been saying for years that I have 2 sisters and 1 brother. Countless Aunts and Uncles and cousins. Most of my inlawed family don't realize just how much I do love and respect them. Probably because I have no idea how to talk to them or how to show them my devotion. In my heart, my family is never a question.
I would die for any of my "inlawed" family well before I would lay down my life for my "genetic" family. (With the exception of my children of course) Regardless of the arguments and quirks that we all have, they are my family and I love them unconditionally. I was raised to be very open about different ways of living and different "lifestyles". I could care less if a member of my family was gay or lesbian, black or white, transgendered or anything else for that matter. To me, that isn't something that would change the love I have for them. I accept my family as they are, not as I believe they should be. We are raising our daughters to believe the same. Everyone is entitled to be loved and to love whomever they choose regardless of sexuality, gender or beliefs.
Growing up, I wasn't accepted. I wasn't loved unconditionally. There were always requirements to be accepted or loved. I never fit into any of the boxes my genetic family wanted to put me in. I wasn't an athelete in a sport they thought was a "sport". I sang and played instruments, but not the instruments or songs they thought were acceptable. I was over weight, not super skinny. I had big dreams and ideas that were "outside their boxes". I just never fit in. When I spoke up about things that were going on, things just got worse. My mother raised me in many different churches with many different belief systems. She raised me to be able to believe in whatever I believed in, not what was written in a book or spoken by a religious leader. She raised me to question authority. I have been to more "same sex marriages" than traditional. I honestly don't know what a "traditional wedding" is supposed to be. I have only been to 2. Divorces, prison sentences, arrests and fights were "normal". Happily married parents, big family holidays, celebrations of things - those are "abnormal" to me. How do I explain that to my now, very typical "inlawed" family?
Today, I am the epitomy of "normal" marriages. I'm a stay at home mom with 3 kids, a minivan, a dog and hectic schedules during school years. I'm part of PTA's and attend the regular meetings. My girls are "girl scouts" and I was the "cookie mom" and assistant troop leader. I drove carpools and volunteered in classrooms. I manage all of my kids medical stuff, have color coded binders, meal plans, schedules, event calendars and negotiate who is going where at what times and how to make it all work. I dealt with therapies and insurance billings, renewals of benefits, co-pays and deductibles. That is my life. That life didn't include shuffling to different houses to visit different family members. We didn't take vacations and spend the holidays with different family members each year. There was never any negotiations about who to sit where so that he doesn't argue with her or they don't start talking about sports and beer brewing methods. It was always just us. Growing up, it was just me and my mom. No one else. So how do I re-program my head into being a "typical" anything when I have never been "typical" in my life?
Today hubby and I were talking about finding a "yankee to southern" translation dictionary. I was raised one way, he was raised another. My standards aren't normal standards to most people. My standards are apparently very high for "southern" homes. My understandings of what is respectful and disrespectful are very different than my husbands. My belief system is very different from the one that my husband and his family have been raised with. I joked with him that carrying on conversations with the majority of his family requires a translator. What I say, what I think, what I believe does not mean the same things to his family. How do we even begin to learn each others languages? I'm sure it sounds weird to have all these questions after almost 9 years of marriage. But, the majority of our marriage has been spent away from all family. The military had different plans for us and required different things from my hubby. And when the girls needs became more prevailent, we had to committ to the needs of our kids before the desire to spend time with family.
But, it all comes down to what makes a family? How does one individual who has no concept of family, find their footing in a family that speaks and believes in an entirely different language and religion? How can I expect that my "inlawed" family will understand me and my language and my belief system, when there isn't a dictionary or how to guide? I tried to google "family quotes" and "Friendship quotes" to hopefully find some guidance, I think I left with more questions than answers. Maybe some of my wonderful friends can help me make sense of it all.
The family is a haven in a heartless world. ~Attributed to Christopher Lasch
Nobody has ever before asked the nuclear family to live all by itself in a box the way we do. With no relatives, no support, we've put it in an impossible situation. ~Margaret Mead
Our most basic instinct is not for survival but for family. Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted. ~Paul Pearshall
They... threw themselves into the interests of the rest, but each plowed his or her own furrow. Their thoughts, their little passions and hopes and desires, all ran along separate lines. Family life is like this - animated, but collateral. ~Rose Macaulay
We cannot destroy kindred: our chains stretch a little sometimes, but they never break. ~Marquise de Sévigné
Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible -- the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.-- Virginia Satir:
The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. -Richard Bach
Sister is probably the most competitive relationship within the family, but once the sisters are grown, it becomes the strongest relationship. Margaret Mead
I am hoping that in this year of the family we will go into our families and reconcile differences. Louis Farrakhan
We're parents first, and once you have kids, everybody knows that you have priority lists. Number one is your family and everything else just kind of finds its place. Tim McGraw
You have to be funny about it and honest about it. You can't leave yourself out of that mix. You have to be honest enough to say, I'm that messed-up one in the family. Louie Anderson
My own sense of family, where I came from and what I made for myself is an important part of my life.
Nora Roberts
"You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence." ---Psalms 16: 11
"Like branches of a tree we grow in different directions, yet our roots remain as one. Each of our lives will always be a special part of the other's." ---Unknown
"And Jesus said unto them ... , "If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to younder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible to you."
~Romans 1:17~
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