End of a chapter, New Book

There are alot of things in life that i never expected. I never expected to be a mother by the time I was 21 or have been married at 20.  I never expected to be a military wife and to have things become a new kind of normal. I didn't expect to raise three daughters with autism. I didn't expect to be thrown into the world of autism and special needs and insurance and everything that goes along with that. 


I did expect that I would have been done with school by now, age 30. I did expect that I would have finally conquered my fears and be content with the woman that I am. I expected more of myself and the life that I am leading. I expected to be a better mother and friend than I am. But out of all of it - I realized that no matter what road I choose in life, I would defy expectations.  


I have realized that I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I have realized that I am capable of alot more than I do. I realized that the things in life that I thought were important really aren't in the grand scheme of things.  I realize that I want more in life than what I have - but the only person responsible for that is me. I realize that I am more than just a mother. And while I love, LOVE being a mother - I have to figure out who I am as an individual too.  


In all of this though - i have realized that I cannot continue to live the life I am leading. I can't continue to be an unhappy person who can't seem to find her way out of the darkness and into the light. As corny as that may sound - it's the truth.  I am responsible for who I am and the life that I lead. And now that I am a mother, I am responsible for the life I lead as it is an example to the children i am raising. I have to show my children that there is more to life than what they are seeing right now.  And yes - it is going to be hard to do, but it is my responsibility to change what they are seeing. What they see will shape who they are. 


With all that being said - I've had to come to the realization that I cannot control what others do with their lives, but I can control how long I choose to remain in their lives. Sadly though, that is the reason that it appears my marriage of 10 years will be ending soon. Being in love with my husband has never been a challenge, however it being a healthy marriage has been. And despite best efforts and praying that God would allow this to work out, it doesn't appear that that will be happening.  I'm praying that the separation that my husband and I will be entering into will allow us both the time we need to heal and part ways amicably, if not bring us back into our marriage.  I don't know what path God has ahead of me, but I trust in His wisdom and the plan He has for me and my daughters.