Tis a season

I've realized lately that I don't always make the best choices. I always try to do things with the best of intentions, but you know what they say about good intentions. I've been trying to be more prayerful in my choices and to be more patient when making them, but sometimes it's really hard. I was recently cut out of someones life because apparently I am absorbed in a negative world and dwell in negativity.  I apparently drudge up the negative past and don't live a positive life.

This individual was someone that I was very close with and we shared many stressful and joyful events together. We, atleast in my view, were best friends and had a friendship that endured alot of ups and downs. However, times apparently changed in her life and she removed me from her life without a word or hint of notice. I considered her to be someone I greatly respected and admired for the way she conducted herself. I had mentioned her in my writings before because of the relationship I shared with her. We had lost touch for a few weeks which wasn't unusual for us as we both lead very busy, hectic lives. During that time is when she had a change of heart apparently. I attempted to reach out and catch up a few times during those weeks and got no response.  I then realized just how much I had been cut out of her life. I didn't even know she had removed me from it.

I won't pretend that I'm not taking the loss of her friendship hard, as I am. I shared more with her than 99% of the individuals in my life and I believed she had done the same. I'm respectful of her decision to move forward without negative forces or individuals in her life, but I wonder how little she must have thought of our friendship to begin with to be able to cut ties so abruptly and without notice.  I have respected her choice since I was told about it, but it almost feels like a death. The wonderful world of "what if's" and "should I's" have been swirling through my head and my heart. Part of me wants to be vengeful and write her an email screaming at her for doing this. Some of me wants to cry and crawl into bed because she hurt me so deeply. Some of me just wants to not care.

I'm trying so hard to learn from this. I'm trying to go through my head and my heart to learn if I do dwell on negative things too much. I feel that some things I should be allowed to dwell on with close friends when I need to. We all need to have that friend that we can share with and support. I try to do that for my friends and she was someone that I did that for, as she did for me. I have a new friendship that I do believe will grow into a lifelong one. We have already shared some very hard things together and we are extremely close in some respects. We both understand what "little girls" mean and respect each others rights to vent and cry and scream when needed. I respect her space and the way she has become stronger through some very difficult times. She respects my space and understands that I was born without a filter.

When I "talked" with her about this sudden loss of a friend, she supported me and has since tried to help drag me back to the gym, but understands when I'm not there. She said that I handled it with class and that it was very big of me not to scream and rant at her when I did get a response. But now I am sitting here, writing in my own little online journal "dwelling in the negative" by trying to learn from this. But how can I learn from something when there isn't a discussion? A question and answer segment?  The answer I got to an email was less than 6 sentences long and very harsh. Do I think she'll come back into my life later? No. Because if she valued our friendship she would have attempted to talk to me and atleast have the class enough to say something sooner.

I try very hard to respect my friends before anything else. I don't look at them as my friends first, they are individuals. They have lives and families and interests that come before most other things. It took me awhile to learn that not being "involved" daily didn't mean that I wasn't a friend, it just meant that they have other things going on. I readily admit, it took me awhile to learn that. I was raised as the only child of a single parent, I was always the focus of her attention. I never had to share that. It took me awhile to learn that I didn't have to fight for friendships. That lesson cost me alot, but I learned it.

I don't know what this whole experience is supposed to lead me to. I don't choose to live my life as though friendships, individuals are disposable. I invest in my friendships and hope that my friends invest back. I have a very, very limited circle of people that I call friends. Some people go by that saying that if you have more friends than you have fingers on one hand, that's alot. I like to think that I have more than 5 friends, but in some cases I think I place more value on my friendships than they do. I know that people come into your lives for different reasons, but I didn't think that this woman was someone that would leave the way she did. I have a firm belief that the way a friendship develops is important. The one with her developed in different ways, but nonetheless, we were close. My hope is that I am learning whatever I need to learn from all of this.

I am going to continue to try to grow and keep being prayerful about all the decisions I make. I do wish her nothing but the best and hope that she lives the life of happiness, health and peace that she deserves. She has been through alot and has worked very hard to achieve good things for herself and her family.  It was never my intention to bring negativity or bad things into her life and I know that to be true.  I'll hope that she comes to know that at some point so that she doesn't live thinking that someone, much less me, would intentionally bring those things into her life or anyone elses.  That's not who I am.

I am not going to keep people at a distance because of the risk of being hurt, but maybe I am suppose to learn that I shouldn't be so open or shouldn't invest so much into my friendships?  I'm not sure, but regardless, I don't think I have any regrets. Atleast not with my friendship with her.