I'm laying here at 1:30am wondering why songs get stuck in my head. My only guess is that they get stuck there when you're meant to learn something from them. I've been having a hard time the past few days, well weeks. I miss my life in Washington. I miss the schedule and routine that I had with my family. I miss seeing other adults at school picking the girls up and being able to talk to them about things we all had in common. I miss being able to congratulate people on promotions or orders or anything that they had been working towards. I miss driving down the different roads on base and seeing houses decorated with signs that said "Welcome Home Daddy!" and "We missed you!". Being able to appreciate the difficulty that came along with going from a married couple to a single parent in a matter of minutes and then having to carry on like that for months. I miss the common factors that came along with living there. It was always fun driving around the base and seeing different liscense plates and seeing the new families move into different houses. As different as every military family is, atleast we all had somethings in common. I'm sure that it will get easier at some point, but right now it's just really hard. I'm watching my friends lives change online as they move to new places, have babies, announce pregnancies or orders. I'm excited for all of them to be moving on with new journies in their lives, but I think I'm just nervous that they'll forget about our friendship. I know that sounds really juvenile, but I do worry that I'm being left behind. Which is really odd considering that I left first. I think it's more the fact that they're moving forward and we moved back.
Coming back here to North Carolina was a step backwards in my head. Not a step forwards. We didn't move back to something that was promising a better future for us. It was more like we fell backwards and this is where we landed. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that we had a home and safe place to go, but there isn't anything here that we didn't have in Washington other than family. But, we had a different kind of family there. I had friends that I love, a home that was safe and offered us freedom, a sense of security that can't really be put into words. Here, we do have a home that is safe and we're close to family that loves the girls and people that I hope to become better friends with. Cory is working towards his goal of becoming a Pastor and I'm working on finding us a home that is in a good school district for the girls. Hopefully I'll be able to go back to school and find a career path that I like. I think I'm learning alot about myself and what I'm capable of doing. I'm not sure where I'm headed, but I know wherever it is it will be down a difficult road. But, it will be worth it.
In all of this though, I'm really trying to find the silver lining in everything. Coming back here to this home and this area has brought the girls closer together. They've always been close, but I think now they are starting to have a bond to each other that I'll never understand. But, I'm glad they have it. It's brought us back to an area that offers the girls an exceptionally wonderful pediatrician. Dr. B was the pediatrician on duty when Riley was born and continued to be her pediatrician until we moved to Washington. Dr. B was amazing to us. She dealt with me and my neurotic momminess without making me feel like I was crazy. She helped to figure out how to help Riley with her hearing and kidney issues. She referred us to an amazing pediatric nephrologist that took wonderful care of Riley. Now that we're back here again, she's being just as wonderful as ever. We went in earlier this week to meet with her and give her all of the girls medical records that we brought with us from Washington. She took almost 2 hours out of her day to talk with us, get the girls medical histories and examine them really thoroughly.
We found out some things that we didn't know about the girls medically and she is taking the time to go over all their records with a fine tooth comb. She thinks some things may have been missed in Washington (which we expected) and hopefully we'll be able to get some better answers about the girls and find the best ways to help them. She gave us some really great suggestions about how to help Ella's skin and how to care for it. She's working on coming up with a great plan for Maggie and how to get her diet and system under control. We found out Riley has some cardiac concerns that she's putting referrals and things in for to monitor it and make sure it's as benign as she thinks it is. Dr. B is also going to try and figure out in the puzzle that is Riley what's really going on and what we can do to get her off on the right foot in school this coming year. I was so grateful to see her and to know that she was going to be able to care for the girls. There are no words to explain how comforting it is to know that FINALLY we have a doctor that listens and isn't worried about her next promotion or duty assignment. Her entire staff was the same. The other 2 physicians in her practice were still there, same PA's and CNA's and RN's. That was amazing to see. We had met them all before and they were still there. (Any military wife knows what I mean) I don't have to worry about the girls now. Dr. B is almost like a superhero to me as weird as that sounds. I know my kids are in good hands and that she isn't going to intentionally miss anything or sugarcoat things. That is such a comforting feeling for this neurotic mom.
Knowing that there are other concerns with the kids now does add to my plate of stress, but atleast now I don't feel so crazy. The other physicians that had seen the girls would tell me that I was worrying too much and that the things I noticed were "not proven" or "unfounded". But Dr. B confirmed somethings and told me that I was worried too much about others. Yeah, i am neurotic and I am overbearing and a pain in the ass about my kids. But thankfully, there is finally a doctor that will tell me when to not worry and when I should. That is one of the greatest things I can ever ask for in a doctor for the girls. Yes, I do worry when I see that Maggie is paler than normal. I do worry when Riley tells me her stomach hurts or her ears hurt. I've been worried about Maggie's hips and joints for awhile and now atleast I know that I'm not crazy to worry about them. I know now that yes, PE tubes shouldn't be in for 2 years straight! I kept asking the doctors about Ella's skin and asking why she seemed to be so sensitive to things and now I know why! I'm not a mom that calls the doctor everytime my kid has a fever or falls down. I don't panic about runny noses or coughs. I do get worried though when I know my kid isn't acting right or runs a high fever. Thankfully, this doctors office knows that. If I call, there's a viable reason. Dr. B understands that I'm not a mom that is looking for a quick cure for my kids or one that wants antibiotics for every sniffle or sneeze. I'm looking for a doctor to work with me to find the least invasive treatments for things that require attention. And thankfully, that doctor is still here.
Maybe having her in the girls lives and being their doctor is the reason that we were brought back here when we were. Maybe God knew that we would need Dr. B to get things straightened out and finally find some answers. I'm not sure. But I know that without a doubt in my mind that He has a plan for us and that I need to figure out how to have more faith in His plan. I don't ever really expect myself to calm down or stop being neurotic and a worrywart. It's part of who I am and it almost seems to be a necessary part of me now that I have the girls and they require such hands on parenting. But regardless, I still need to figure out how to fit all that in to the person I want to become. I want to be a better, more patient, healthier, happier, more even keel person. I want to have my own life and my own interests. I want to have my own friends and my own existance outside of being a mom and wife. Now if I can only figure out how to do all those things while still being a mom and a wife, I think I'll have a better handle on all of this. (yeah, right!)
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