I miss you so much baby. I miss who you would be today. I miss all the things we should have been able to have. I miss watching you grow and the troublemaker you would have been today. I miss what I think you would have been to your sisters. I miss what I think you would be doing. I miss everything we would have been sharing and the moments you would be experiencing. I miss having the priviledge to be your Mommy. By this age, you probably would have just been calling me Mom or Mama. Not mommy, because mommy is a "baby" name. You would be 9 now. Now you'd probably be dragging dirty shoes, smelly socks and mudsoaked pants into the house. You'd probably be wanting to go hunting or fishing. You might be trying out for baseball or football. You'd probably be watching wrestling with your dad and tormenting your sisters with things. I'd probably be yelling at you and your daddy to stop wrestling or jumping off things. I miss the laughter you would be bringing into the house. I miss everything you would have been to our family. I pray that you're up there in the stars and watching your sisters. I pray that you're happy and loved and surrounded by the family members that we've sent to heaven since you left. I pray that you talked to your sisters before they came into our family and watched over them as they made their way into this world. I pray that you know how much you are loved and how much you are missed everyday. I still miss you every single moment of every day. Walking through the stores and seeing things, I think "Oh, he'd be in the size now." Or "I'm sure he would LOVE to play with that". I see other families with boys the age you'd be now and wonder if you'd be taller or shorter, or if you'd want that thing or listen to that song. It's been 9 years and it still hurts so much Matthew. I still ache inside for you. This year during vacation bible school while I watched your sisters dance and sing, there was this young boy that was standing behind your sisters and I guessed he was about your age. I watched him and kept thinking that you'd be just as funny and outlandish as he was. I knew that you were watching your sisters and probably laughing with your Papa at how silly Maggie was and how funny Ella was being. I know that it's probably strange for me to write to you like this and part of me wishes you could answer. Part of me wishes that in the morning I'll wake up to a comment from you on this and you'd tell me that you're alright and you miss us too. I want to hear that from you. I do believe that you're with God and that you're happy and healthy and not the same tiny baby that I held. You're grown up more now and you're ok. You're happy and at peace. I know that, but I'm still so worried that part of you remembers what happened. Part me is so scared that you can remember slipping away from me and struggling during those few minutes. I believe that God protected you from that and when you were back in heaven, you were ok, you were the beautiful, strong boy you were meant to be. I do try so hard to believe that and have faith in that. But, I won't lie, I'm still so jealous and angry. I know you were meant to do good things and that in someway you are doing those things. I'm so jealous that I can't see you and hear your laugh, see your smile. I'm so angry that I didn't get to share any of those milestones with you and watch you go off to school and have friends at recess. I know that I shouldn't be so angry and upset, but I am Mattie. I want you to be here with us so much. I want to wake up tomorrow to you sleeping in a bed w/ transformer sheets or rocketship pajamas. I want to yell to you and your sisters to get up and see if you want Corn Flakes or Raisin Bran. I want to go shopping for your school supplies and ask you if you want to try out for baseball or join the science club. I want you to have those opportunities. I wanted that for you so much. I wanted you to try cub scouts or boy scouts. I wanted you to do science experiements and blow up a volcano in the kitchen. I wanted to see you build towers out of legos and yell at your sisters for dressing up your green army men like barbies. God only knows why you weren't able to have those things and why I wasn't meant to watch you grow up to be the boy I knew you were meant to be. I didn't care if you were into soccer or football or choir or dance. I didn't care if you were straight or gay or whatever else labels people put on their children. I didn't care who your genetic dad was, because I know you loves you and know that you would have been his son. And he would have been an amazing dad to you. I just can't not think about who you would be today. I miss you so much. I miss what we would have shared and what you would have been to our family. I miss everything about you and about who you were to me. You were my fighter. You were my unexpected blessing. You were the center of my universe and the reason for my existing then. And yes, i am so blessed to have your sisters and your dad today. And they are my reason for living today. I know that in some weird way, losing you made me love them and treasure them more. I know what a true miracle a healthy baby is. But that doesn't make your absence any less noticable. I still have a hole in my heart from where you were. You took a piece of my soul and my heart with you to heaven that night. There are no words to express just how much I miss you. This video is the closest thing I have found to put words to the ache I have in my heart everyday Matthew. Mommy loves you more than words can ever say.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKgNsxmbY1I&feature=channel
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