I'm sitting here at almost 1am on a Monday night (Tuesday morning) trying to figure out why I am so sad. I know part of me is sad because I miss my life in Washington. I miss having the freedom of having my own kitchen and a house that (while "equity residential owned) was ours. I miss knowing that I had friends that were less than a mile from my house that I could see everyday or atleast as much as we could. I miss having a gym that was free and allowed me to get workouts in at 5am and get home in time to shower, get dressed, pack lunches and have the kids off to school by 8am. I miss having a dryer that heats up.
It's breaking my heart to think of my life back there and the friends that I miss so much. I am very grateful for the friends that I have and am making here, but I miss the knowing that they understood the military life. I miss driving down the roads on base and seeing signs on houses that would say "Welcome Home Daddy!" or "We Missed You!" or "You're our hero!" and knowing just how monumental that was. I miss being able to see the excitement in my friends eyes when they knew that their husband or wife was comign home. I miss knowing that not just anyone could walk up to my door.
I miss the joy and excitement that my friends would have when they were "going home for a visit" or when they knew that their husbands or wives were going to have an extra day off. And now, I'm really missing my friends that are pregnant. I now know 5 people that are pregnant. Some with their first, some with their second, some with even more than that. I miss knowing that I could start planning their baby showers and talk baby stuff over with them. I threw a shower for a dear friend of mine almost a year ago now (if not a year ago already) that was so much fun. I know she thought I went overboard and I probably did. But she deserved it. We knew she was having a boy and he would be named Noah. So, fittingly, we picked a Noah's Ark theme. Her family came in from out of town, we had games and great food. She had been going through a hard time so I decided that I really wanted to make it nice for her.
So, I ended up lining the streets from her house to mine with balloons. Blue, Yellow and White. The entire house was decked out with streamers and more balloons. I had pretty much bought out anything and everything Noah's Ark that Party City carried. It was down to the very last detail. The guests all went home with little bags of blue and white M&M's. The front yard was COVERED with Noah's Ark Signs and signs that she could take home with her. Inside, we decorated a "throne" for her complete with rose petals and a crown. I bought a frame w/ a mat that everyone signed. And after her shower I had two pictures put into it. One of her sitting in a rocking chair looking like a hot mama, and the other was a picture of all the guests that had come. All of her friends that could make it were there. I know it was so special for her.
I miss being able to do those kinds of things. I miss being able to rejoice with my friends when they have wonderful things happen. One of my closest and dearest friends is living in Alaska now. She's pregnant with her first baby. And this baby has been wanted, dreamt of, prayed for, tried for for YEARS. And God has now blessed them with a healthy pregnancy. And it breaks my heart that I'm not going to be there for her. I won't be able to throw a baby shower for her or visit her in the hospital after the baby is born. I know I wont' be able to cry with her when she realizes that her dreams finally came true. I know we'll keep in touch online and all, but I know this girl. Once this beautiful child is born, the computer will be the last thing on her mind. And that's just fine too. And I know it's selfish of me to think of it all this way, but God knows how much I love this beautiful lady and her husband and this miracle child. I want to be there for her when her dreams come true and she's holding that beautiful baby in her arms.
I do want to (and plan on) going up to visit her after the baby is born. God willing everything will work out and I'll be able to be with her and the baby for a few days or week. But of course, I'll be flying into Alaska, in February! But she's worth it. Her new family is worth it. And Lord knows how much I miss her. I keep finding out about more and more people being pregnant and it breaks my heart. I'm excited for them and want nothiing but the best, healthiest and easiest delivery humanly possible. But it aches for those of us that can't have children. I want to have more children, that's never been a secret. And my friends that are pregnant, I know wanted to have their children too. I guess I'll just be the neurotically overprotective friend that I am and spoil their babies wrotten too!
I guess I just miss the friendships that I had so convienently to me. I know God has brought new people into my life for a reason and I am so grateful for them. I just keep praying that I will see God's plan for us and be able to follow it with faith and strength.
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